Silvio, George, Jeff and Kenneth

Hello nice people. Allow me to introduce my self. My name is Silvio Berlusconi.

I am the prime minister of my country. I am also the richest person in all of Italy. You like that nice white outfit I'm wearing? I paid a hundred million lire just for the headband. So check this out - not only am I Prime Minister and the richest dude in the land - I own or control almost all of the media in my country! Isn't that great?? I personally own two of the nation's largest newspapers. And a large percentage of the country's radio stations. Oh, and I own three of the country's primary television stations. The other three are controlled by the government. Which is..... me! I have effective control over 90% of all national television broadcasting in my beautiful Italy. I own record companies, too. You should buy my new CD of me singing lounge act songs. It's a beautiful thing, and it's better than that stupid John Ashcroft video.

You know what's amazing? No matter what I do, there's hardly anything on Italian TV that is critical of me. They just love me those fucking guys. Can you believe it? And the public loves me too. They know what a fabulous business man I am, which in turn makes me supremely qualified to run the country for the next, say, 45 years. It's like if Donald Trump bought every newspaper, television and radio station in the US, then became President. What do you think that would be like? We have elections because Italy is a democracy, of course, but I always win. The other guys just don't seem to ever be able to mount a very good media campaign against me. Go feegura, as my mother used say.

Anybody got a problem with any of this? Fine, take me to court. Wait, let me just enact this new law granting me immunity from lawsuits like that. OK, done. Now sue me. Oh, too bad. You can't.

Now let me introduce you to my good friend, George W. Bush. George and me are big time amici. He's rich like me, and he's learning how to run the media, too! He's already got the keys to the media Ferrari with that FOX network. I can't believe that Rupert Murdoch guy is not an Italian. He's a fucking genius, I tell you. But George, he's no genius. First thing you do, I tell him over at the ranch one day, is start paying people to forward your political agenda on ALL the TV and radio stations - not just FOX. But you don't tell anybody you're paying them, you shangatz. You hire a real news person and you make it sound like it's a real news program.

So he does that. And he gets caught, because he's a chooch. He never explained to the newspeople he hired that when someone asks you if you've been paid by the government you say NO FUCKING WAY, or you end up in the river with cement shoes. No. Instead, somebody asks this guy - "Did you get paid by the Bush Administration for that broadcast?" and he says "Oh yeah. 'Course I did." And the guy is still walking around with real kneecaps.

Sigh. Let's try something else, I say. You know that press room you got in the White House? There are guys in there with press passes who are asking you REAL QUESTIONS. Man, what are you thinking? You need to get patsy's in there, and I'm not talking about my cousin Patsy, who's a meatball - I'm talking about guys who work for YOU asking questions that YOU want them to ask. He understands this, but who does he pick to start the ball rolling? Jeff Gannon, male prostitute. Was I supposed to say -George, use somebody who won't later be identified as a male prostitue, or does that go without saying?? This president, his brains are scrambled like an overcooked googootz.

I tell him, okay paisan, let's try this one more time. You really need to do something about this public broadcasting bullshit. I was watching that Macneil-Lehrer news report one day and these guys are showing all kinds of stuff that nobody's supposed to know about. Pictures from Abu Graib and whatnot. Then I listen to National Public Radio, and they're interviewing actual Iraqi citizens about the state of affairs in Iraq.... ON THE AIR for cryin' out loud. Not even CNN would pull that kind of stunt. George, I tell him, you need to get a Pinnochio kinda guy and appoint him in charge of public broadcasting, because this is out of hand.

Now, when I say Pinnochio, I don't mean the kind whose nose grows when he lies, (that's the LAST thing you want) but the kind who, when you pull on the string, he does what he's supposed to do. So George, he gets this guy Kenneth Tomlinson and puts him in charge of public broadcasting. Tomlinson, he's a good Pinnochio, but he's a stoonad. He comes up with this campaign to make public broadcasting more balanced and less "liberal". So far so good. Lotsa people think PBS is part of the liberal conspiracy front so you gotta play into that. But the first thing he does is he messes with Bill Moyer. You don't mess with Bill Moyer, man - he's a BAPTIST. That would be like me messing with the Pope, and you know I know where MY bread is buttered, baby. Then who does this Tomlinson call up to give him advice on how to make PBS less biased? Karl Rove. That's right, Karl Rove and there's an email trail to confirm it. This jaboney gets his ass fired in less than a year and now he's under criminal investigation for misuse of funds! Jesu Christu in a Sidecar Georgie, don't you own the courts yet??? And how is it that there were still people on the board of PBS who could get your little Pinnochio fired?

Haven't I taught you anything?