Meet Ernie

Everybody meet Ernie.

Ernie is a fertilized human embryo that lives in a petri dish in the third freezer on the left at the Eleanor P. Bumpus Reproductive Health Center in Eutaw, Alabama.

I have designated myself Ernie's foster parent as his real parents do not want him anymore. Seems that 4 of Ernie's siblings were implanted into his mother and all 4 of them took, so she's doing all she can not to abort half of 'em. So I'm taking care of Ernie until he finds himself a uterus and becomes a snowflake baby (not likely), or until his shelf life is up.

Right now I'm working on getting him a social security number and an Alabama State ID card. At first they didn't want to give those to me, but I said "Look - he's a person, right?" And not one of them could argue with me. I tried to get him a birth certificate, but they put their foot down on that one and told me he'd have to be born first. And even though I call him Ernie and refer to him as a "he", I can't fill out what sex he is on the forms until he's at least into his second trimester, if he ever has one. I figure if he turns out to be "Ernestine", Ernie still fits.

So anyway, once I have the ID documents, I will be taking out a life insurance policy on Ernie for one million dollars.

I sent Ernie a few comic books and a talking Elmo, but they tell me he can't deal with that stuff at his age, so now I don't send him anything. I'm just doing my best to make sure the insurance company knows that I'm serious about Ernie as being in my foster care and all.

See if Ernie doesn't get a uterus by next February, they'll have to throw him in the medical waste dumpster. It'll be kinda sad, but it's perfectly legal and I'll get a million dollars.

I'm sure I can use some of that for a nice funeral service for Ernie.