An excerpt from the first draft of President Chimpanzee's speech

Prior to extensive editing by White House staffers....

"Here we have a serious problem: America is addicted to oil, which is often imported from unstable parts of the world. Folks, I just figured this out. I mean, prior to this year, I didn't really give a rat's ass about being addicted to foreign oil. As a matter of fact, I instituted policies that led to an increase in our dependence on foreign oil. We went from 58% of our oil being imported when I took office, to 65%, which is where we are now, thanks in a large part to me and Dick. Well, mostly Dick.

See, up until recently I had a different plan. Actually, Dick and I had a different plan. Actually, Dick had the plan and I thought it was a good one. Anyway, our plan was to take over the Middle East. First, we would invade Iraq, install a puppet government and grab their oil supplies for our exclusive use. Then we would use our newly installed military bases to control the remaining oil supplies in the region. That is, after we swept all the flowers thrown at us by the emanicipated Iraqi people off the runways and such.

Dick, hand me a banana. Thanks.

OK, so that didn't pan out. Those idiot insurgents keep blowing up the oil pipelines faster than we can repair them, so we're not getting shit in terms of oil from Iraq. Now, the Iranians are threatening to go nook-ular on our asses. So I figure, I'll fix those bastards. We'll stop buying oil from them and they won't have a power plant to piss in, let alone one to enrich uranium in. But my energy secretary tells me that if we do that, we're screwed because we need their oil to keep our economy afloat and they can just as easily sell their oil to Vladimir Putin, that rat bastard. Had him over to the ranch and everything and I still can't trust him as far as I can throw him.

Condi- would you check and see if there are any lice in my hair? Thanks.

That brought me to my recent epiphany, namely that this whole addiction to oil thing needs to stop so I can just annihilate those Iranian scumbuckets. Hold on for a second while I talk to the Iranian people. People of Iran - I respect you. But you need to remember what happened the last time I spoke directly to the people of another country in a speech. That was the Iraqis. I told them how much I respected them and then I threw a few million tons of missiles at them. So now listen to me: I Respect You. Got it?

Where was I?

Oh yeah, here is my plan to eliminate our dependence on foreign oil:

First, we're going have breakthroughs. That's right. Breakthroughs. I mean don't you think it's about goddam time we had some breakthroughs? I'm calling upon scientists to figure out how to make some cheap biodeisel from corn, wood chips, cow dung, New Orleans stagnant water, whatever - I KNOW they can make biodeisel from all of that shit. That is, as long as they intelligently design it and don't try any evolution hocus pocus on it. And I promise the American people that no stem-cell will be harmed in the process.

Second, I'm going to continue taxing the oil companies at 11% instead of the standard corporate rate of 18%. This will do absolutely nothing to help wean us off foreign oil - in fact it will pretty much undermine our other efforts, but Dick says I have to keep doing that so I will.

Third, we're going to invest in zero-emissions coal-fired plants for energy generation. We're not going to invest much, because I'm cutting the allocation for renewable energy resource funding by $50 million as part of my new budget proposal, but....what's that? I'm not supposed to mention that? Sorry, Dick. Zero-emissions coal-fired plants is what I'm talking about. We're going to have those. And more nook-ular plants too. Lots more.

Fourth, I'm setting goals. I hereby declare that we will decrease our dependence on Middle East oil by 75 percent within the next, say, 20 years. How, you ask? I KNEW you would ask how. If there's anything I've learned over the past 5 years as king, er, president it's that every time I say we're going to do something, some divisive, partisan, nitpicking liberal will be up my ass wanting to know how. Well here's how. We're going to use hybrid cars. And hydrogen fuel cell vehicles. And all kinds of cool new stuff that doesn't use oil. We are. I just know it. And it's going to be better for the environment, too. Not that there's anything wrong with the environment, and not that I've gone treehugger on you or anything, but it will be even better. The environment. Will.