I Now Issue Fatwas

I am totally into fatwa's now. Fatwas are beyond cool. They're brilliant.

First, there's the word itself.

Fatwa. How incredible is that word? I mean, if had to come up with a word for this practice, I could never come up with a word as good as FATWA.

It's beautiful. Say it with me:

Faaaaah Twaaaahh....

Good. If you pronounce it correctly, it should sound like Marlee Matlin calling someone a "fart-twat".

But that's neither here nor there. What is more relevant is the derivation, which I believe is a combination of the ancient Egyptian root "Fah", meaning "new rule" and the modern Farsi suffix "Twah", meaning "that I just pulled out of my ass."

Muslim clerics have taken the practice of issuing fatwas to the level of sublime art. You see, the trick is to have your fatwa seem stupid at face value, but in a very subtle Yogi Berra- like way, it reveals itself to be both clever and thought-provoking.

Take this one - a very recent fatwa issued by the highly respected Egyptian cleric Rashad Hassan Khalil:

"Being completely naked during the act of coitus annuls the marriage".

Now, this is profound in its brilliance. There's no way that I, a fatwa noobie, could have come up with a fatwa that good in this stage of my career. Think of the questions it provokes! Does leaving our socks on count? How about jewelry? Handcuffs? What if we both wear the same garment?

Then there's the utility of it. Think of the possibilities for guys who want a divorce. No expensive lawyers, no tying up the courts and she doesn't get half your shit. All they have to do is claim they did it with their clothes off and the marriage is annulled. Done deal. I say guys because it would be a little more for difficult for the gal who wants a divorce. You may be aware that under Islamic law for a guy to prove something, all he has to do is say it happened, while for a woman to prove something, she needs four male witnesses. So if the couple does actually have sex in the nude and there are four male witnesses...well, there's a whole 'nuther fatwa about THAT.


The Grand Ayatollah of Mars

Here are some other cool fatwas:

“Whoever cuts down a lotus tree, Allah will cast him headlong into the Fire.”- Sunan Abî Dâwûd

And one of my all time favorites:

"You do not have to prevent music from entering your ear. You will not be a sinner just because you hear it. The sinner is the one who listens to music intentionally."-Sheikh Sâmî al-Mâjid

No wonder martyrdom is big with these folks.

Anyway, I'm now practicing issuing fatwas, although I'm not nearly as good at it yet as I hope to be someday. Here's one I just issued:

"Anyone who comes across a member of the Steve Miller Band shall throw a large rock at him or force him to eat rotten fruit."

And one more:

"Those who choose to comment on today's blog shall include their own fatwa in the comment."

Peace be upon you.