New Recruiting Procedures

Dear Jesus,

I think you need to take a look at your top-spokesperson recruiting process.

Seems like a rather large number of the folks who lead your flocks and provide spiritual guidance in your name are turning out to be, well...flaming, hypocritical ass holes.

I would suggest that quite a few of them could be weeded out in the interview process. Here are a few things to watch out for: First, I think we can safely say that if a guy is over 40 years old and he still looks like he's twelve, something is awry. Yes?

Dude could be making deals with the guy downstairs, if you get my drift.

Next, I would say that anyone who parts their hair starting from below the top of their right ear may be sending a message that there are bigger issues lurking.

Take a look at their ears, JC. If their ears are bigger than their feet, I think that's a problem.

Obviously, it's not fair to judge them completely by appearances. So you might also want to take a close look at their behavior. F'rinstance, if they act sort of like raving lunatics, further investigation could be in order.

If they cry every week on cue...

You may also want to check out their wives.

It would be in everyone's best interests if you asked them a few questions about their ideology and beliefs. In the I-can't-make-this-shit-up category, this guy's name is Dr. Creflo Dollar. He claims to be a Christian, but he worships money. Off the top of my head, I'd say possible conflict of interest there.

Now looky here. Satan himself, it appears, managed to slip through the interview process. Not good.

What I'm getting at is this - all in all, I think with a little more in the way of interviewing skills and due diligence, you might have been able to head this one off at the pass:

First of all, he's got the Ken-doll look, which should send alarm bells ringing at the outset. Second, that "H" on his forehead should have been cause for concern.

In the future, let me know if you need any help with this.

Sincerely,

Soundsurfr