New Biblical Revelations

This just in.








An early coptic gnostic quote acrostic gospel has been rediscovered after 17 years in a safe deposit box in Hicksville Long Island and 1700 or so years in a very smelly Egyptian sinkhole. It is being called the Gospel of Judas because its author (who is unknown, but believed by devout Christians to be an axe murderer writing on his days off) portrays Judas as Jesus's number one homeboy and confidant. According to the account, Jesus asked Judas to do him a favor and turn him in, because that was the plan all along.

This is in contrast to the Judas of the 4 canonical gospels, who was for the most part, a spineless scumbag who turned Jesus in for a few sheckles which he later spent on a bag of pitted dates. Or something like that.

In a brief synopsis of his initial findings, biblical scholar Flinch T. Screenplay, author of "Was Jesus a Right Wing Asshole?" says the following: "After several days examining the translation, I find the translator's handwriting to be abominable." He did indicate a possible discrepancy in the translation. Where the translator shows Jesus saying to Judas: "Go now to the authorities and betray me", there is a mistranslation of the Egyptian word "ublechhh" (pronounced "ublechhh"), which is often translated as "betray me", but in this context is more likely to have meant "tell them you're me."

Some are worried that this new discovery might bring some confusion to the otherwise crystal clear message that Christianity has been offering for centuries. "We wouldn't want Christians breaking up into sects over this," said Rufus "shotgun" Mabley, pastor of the First Somewhat Charismatic Church of Latter Day Saints Advocating the Second Coming of Christ the Not-So-Wimpy-As-You-Might-Think Messiah.