Wednesday, November 29, 2006

A Theologically Supportable Position

In a recent conversation on the internet, a theologian referred to something as a "theologically supportable postion". The reply from his opponent was hilarious:

Sorry, but the expression 'theologically supportable position' put me in mind of this -

1) Buttered bread always lands butter-side-down.
2) Cats always land on their feet

Therefore, if you tie a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat and release the assembly in mid air, as 1) and 2) are mutually contradictory, the buttered bread/cat assembly will hover.

I'd never heard that before. But I immediately applied for the patent rights...

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

New Recruiting Procedures

Dear Jesus,

I think you need to take a look at your top-spokesperson recruiting process.

Seems like a rather large number of the folks who lead your flocks and provide spiritual guidance in your name are turning out to be, well...flaming, hypocritical ass holes.

I would suggest that quite a few of them could be weeded out in the interview process. Here are a few things to watch out for: First, I think we can safely say that if a guy is over 40 years old and he still looks like he's twelve, something is awry. Yes?

Dude could be making deals with the guy downstairs, if you get my drift.

Next, I would say that anyone who parts their hair starting from below the top of their right ear may be sending a message that there are bigger issues lurking.

Take a look at their ears, JC. If their ears are bigger than their feet, I think that's a problem.

Obviously, it's not fair to judge them completely by appearances. So you might also want to take a close look at their behavior. F'rinstance, if they act sort of like raving lunatics, further investigation could be in order.

If they cry every week on cue...

You may also want to check out their wives.

It would be in everyone's best interests if you asked them a few questions about their ideology and beliefs. In the I-can't-make-this-shit-up category, this guy's name is Dr. Creflo Dollar. He claims to be a Christian, but he worships money. Off the top of my head, I'd say possible conflict of interest there.

Now looky here. Satan himself, it appears, managed to slip through the interview process. Not good.

What I'm getting at is this - all in all, I think with a little more in the way of interviewing skills and due diligence, you might have been able to head this one off at the pass:

First of all, he's got the Ken-doll look, which should send alarm bells ringing at the outset. Second, that "H" on his forehead should have been cause for concern.

In the future, let me know if you need any help with this.



Thursday, November 09, 2006

Cool new things that can happen now that the Dems are in the House:

Finally, gay congressmen can marry their pages.

Barbra Streisand can be nominated to the Supreme Court.

Nancy Pelosi can start performing partial birth abortions on the House floor.

Is the budget balanced already?Dang...that was quick!

Social Security is going back in the lockbox.

Scientists announced today that global warming has been reversed.

All Gitmo prisoners will be released and replaced with Halliburton executives and stock holders.

Christopher Reeve will be resurrected through stem cell research.

Everyone in Mexico can now move to Santa Barbara.

Flag burning party. Saturday night. My house.

The Sunnis and Shiites will sing Kum Ba Yah, arm in arm, in the streets of Baghdad

Hillary Clinton will pardon Saddam Hussein.

The ACLU will be made the fourth branch of government.

Ted Haggard will convert to Kaballah and will be appointed as the new House chaplain.

Spanish will be declared the new official language everywhere south of the Dakotas.

Treasury Department will announce a new 3 dollar bill bearing the image of Barney Frank on the front, and a lovely picture of San Francisco on the back.

President Bush will announce a new Cabinet level position. Secretary of House and Senate Surveillance.

Congress will debate a Constitutional Amendment banning the display of the Ten Commandments in churches.

Closed door energy planning meeting to be scheduled at Capital building attended by Hugo Chavez, Daniel Ortega, Ralph Nader, Al Gore and Kim Jong Il.

Gerry Falwell and Pat Roberston will be declared enemy combatants and sent to secret CIA prisons, all their assets seized and given to the ACLU to fund investigations of people saying “god bless you” after someone sneezes in a public school.

Axis of evil will be reconfigured to include Exxon/Mobil, Texas, and Rush Limbaugh.

Homeland security to be outsourced to Pakistan.

Ann Coulter will be forced to betroth Mary Cheney in a same-sex marriage ceremony in Newark, New Jersey, after which her embryos will be extracted, fertilized ex-utero by Al Sharpton and placed into stem cell research facilities.

Finally, finally, finally.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Just when I thought it couldn't get much better -

Rumsfeld gets out of Dodge.

Adios, scumbucket.

The good thing about the past 6 years...

I'm in a good mood. Feeling charitable.

So rather than gloat about the political sea change going on in our country today, I'm going to point out what has been good about the past 6 years, politically speaking.

What's been good about the past six years is that we've had an opportunity to see and hopefully remember what happens when you let Republicans rule as a majority for six years.

This is what you get:

  • Stunning abuses of power.
  • Shameless warmongering, carried out with astonishing ineptitude
  • Fear based politics
  • Religious fascism and pandering applied to social issues, ignoring popular concerns
  • Financial irresponsibility on a macro scale
  • Insane pork barrell spending
  • Massive deficits
  • Increasing dependence on fossil fuel, inflamed by government policy favoring fossil fuel companies
  • Failed foreign policy resulting in increased nuclear proliferation worldwide, increased anti-American sentiment worldwide, increased terrorist recruiting worldwide, increased security risk to the USA
  • Unprecedented political divisiveness
  • Reduction in Constitutional rights for individuals
  • Gay bashing
  • Dwindling middle class
  • Increased disparity between the rich and the poor
  • 800,000 children with no health insurance
  • Drug benefit programs designed to uphold the profits of drug companies at the expense of the elderly
  • Inability to systemically deal with illegal immigration issues
  • More children left behind
  • Jobs exported overseas
  • Congressional pay increases/minimum wage decreases
  • Back room secret policy making
  • Unchecked global warming, denial that problem even exists, government suppression of scientific study results
  • Paid political propagandists posing as unbiased news reporters
  • Torture as a policy, revocation of Geneva convention, secret prisons

And in case we still need to be reminded why Democrats picked up 27 seats in the House, at least 4 seats in the Senate and ousted 6 Republican governors yesterday, here are a few proper names to remember:

Mark Foley, Tom Delay, Scooter Libby, Jack Abramoff, Enron, Duke Cunningham, Tyco, Osama bin Laden, Bob Ney, Hurricane Katrina, Terry Schiavo...I'll stop there. I said I was feeling charitable.

So now we begin the process of trying to dig out from this mess.

Good luck to us all.