Thursday, July 27, 2006

Meet Ernie

Everybody meet Ernie.

Ernie is a fertilized human embryo that lives in a petri dish in the third freezer on the left at the Eleanor P. Bumpus Reproductive Health Center in Eutaw, Alabama.

I have designated myself Ernie's foster parent as his real parents do not want him anymore. Seems that 4 of Ernie's siblings were implanted into his mother and all 4 of them took, so she's doing all she can not to abort half of 'em. So I'm taking care of Ernie until he finds himself a uterus and becomes a snowflake baby (not likely), or until his shelf life is up.

Right now I'm working on getting him a social security number and an Alabama State ID card. At first they didn't want to give those to me, but I said "Look - he's a person, right?" And not one of them could argue with me. I tried to get him a birth certificate, but they put their foot down on that one and told me he'd have to be born first. And even though I call him Ernie and refer to him as a "he", I can't fill out what sex he is on the forms until he's at least into his second trimester, if he ever has one. I figure if he turns out to be "Ernestine", Ernie still fits.

So anyway, once I have the ID documents, I will be taking out a life insurance policy on Ernie for one million dollars.

I sent Ernie a few comic books and a talking Elmo, but they tell me he can't deal with that stuff at his age, so now I don't send him anything. I'm just doing my best to make sure the insurance company knows that I'm serious about Ernie as being in my foster care and all.

See if Ernie doesn't get a uterus by next February, they'll have to throw him in the medical waste dumpster. It'll be kinda sad, but it's perfectly legal and I'll get a million dollars.

I'm sure I can use some of that for a nice funeral service for Ernie.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Confessions of a Liberal

OK conservatives, I'm spilling my guts. I'm comin' clean. You knew it all along and now I'm givin' it to you straight.

I am a liberal, so I want what's best for liberals. I'd like to see Bin Laden pull off another attack in the USA and I'd love to see Iraq dissolve into civil war because I hate President Bush THAT much. In fact, whenever anything goes bad for this country, I celebrate. I'm pro-terrorism, anti-freedom. I want higher taxes and I want our military to be weak. I think anybody who doesn't want to work should get a free ride from the government. I'm totally paranoid about the environment, and if a multi-billion dollar business has to go down to save a dung beetle, so be it. I make up stuff about global warming just to incite fear and panic.

I think partial-birth abortions are a perfectly legitimate form of birth control. I sprinkle fertilized embryos on my cereal every morning and I've burned at least 17 US flags in the past year. I would like to see anyone who makes more money than me put in jail and have their wealth re-distributed to undocumented immigrants. I want to outlaw religion and allow pedophiles to marry children. Several children. Their own children. I want BIG government. BIG BIG BIG, with HUGE bureaucratic agencies that can squash profitable business interests with a single accounting audit.

I believe insulting a prisoner's mother is torture and is in violation of the Geneva Convention.

Whew. I'm feeling a little cleansed. Thinking a little more conservative now. I'm being baptized in an O'Reilly sort of clarity.

Christian values, baby, that's where it's at. Christian values.

Maybe slave labor in the Mariana islands is not such a bad thing after all, especially if we can convert the little monkeys to Christianity. And maybe if I have to choose between saving a small child in a fire or 24 frozen embryos, I'd save the embryos! After all, saving 24 lives is better than saving one, right?

Folks, we can wipe out the use of condoms in Africa in our lifetime.

And why doesn't the NAACP support the repeal of the estate tax? Ha? There are at least SEVEN black people in this country rich enough to benefit from just that one little piece of legislation. Gimme a big hoo ha for the estate tax repeal! Do you realize that there were more people murdered in New York City last year than there were US soldiers killed in Iraq in the same time period?

And if I volunteer to drive a busload of minorities to the polls in November and I get lost, what of it?

What of it?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Everyone should read this

It is a letter from 20 retired military commanders and other concerned individuals with considerable credentials, addressed to the Chairman of the Senate Judiciary committee, Arlen Specter.

It's about this crazy bastard.

Crazy bastard in question is William J. Haynes, II. This man basically orchestrated the White House policy on torture that led to the abuses at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Graib. That would be the policy that was recently struck down by the Supreme Court. He figures we should be using dogs and waterboarding and all manner of nasty techniques on our "detainees". Remember, a bunch of army peons were recently thrown in jail for doing just that.

What should we do with this guy? Why, we need to make him a Federal Judge, that's what. A lifetime appointment, one step below Supreme Court is what he deserves, and nothing less.

Now this letter is from a bunch of frigging MILITARY GENERALS. And this guys scares THEM. Do you realize how freaked out we need to be when a group of 20 military bigwigs is afraid of having this guy on a federal court bench?

Read the letter.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Jesus protect me from your followers, Volume 162

I was lurking at a debate website where a Christian and a skeptic were arguing about the Isrealite's slaughter of the Amalekites. After defeating the Amalekites, the Isrealites massacred the Amalekites' babies. According to the biblical account, all of this was ordered and sanctioned by God.

The justification put forward for this by the Christian was:

Who would raise those young children with all the adults dead? The Israelites? How would those non-Israelite children have been treated by the Jews? A lifetime of second class citizenship, then when they grow into adulthood, it would be, "I don't get mad, I get even."

Not to mention the massive drain it would have put on Israel's resources to suddenly increase their population by several thousand. It's not like they could have run to the local Wal-Mart to stock up on baby formula.

This is when you know that a person has taken leave of their senses. The suggestion is that upon orphaning children in a war, the most prudent and moral step that can be taken by the victor is to slaughter the children.

Sam Harris was right on when he said:

One of the greatest challenges facing civilization in the 21st century is for human beings to learn to speak about their deepest personal concerns--about ethics, spiritual experience and the inevitability of human suffering--in ways that are not flagrantly irrational. Nothing stands in the way of this project more than the respect we accord religious faith.