New Biblical Revelations

This just in.








An early coptic gnostic quote acrostic gospel has been rediscovered after 17 years in a safe deposit box in Hicksville Long Island and 1700 or so years in a very smelly Egyptian sinkhole. It is being called the Gospel of Judas because its author (who is unknown, but believed by devout Christians to be an axe murderer writing on his days off) portrays Judas as Jesus's number one homeboy and confidant. According to the account, Jesus asked Judas to do him a favor and turn him in, because that was the plan all along.

This is in contrast to the Judas of the 4 canonical gospels, who was for the most part, a spineless scumbag who turned Jesus in for a few sheckles which he later spent on a bag of pitted dates. Or something like that.

In a brief synopsis of his initial findings, biblical scholar Flinch T. Screenplay, author of "Was Jesus a Right Wing Asshole?" says the following: "After several days examining the translation, I find the translator's handwriting to be abominable." He did indicate a possible discrepancy in the translation. Where the translator shows Jesus saying to Judas: "Go now to the authorities and betray me", there is a mistranslation of the Egyptian word "ublechhh" (pronounced "ublechhh"), which is often translated as "betray me", but in this context is more likely to have meant "tell them you're me."

Some are worried that this new discovery might bring some confusion to the otherwise crystal clear message that Christianity has been offering for centuries. "We wouldn't want Christians breaking up into sects over this," said Rufus "shotgun" Mabley, pastor of the First Somewhat Charismatic Church of Latter Day Saints Advocating the Second Coming of Christ the Not-So-Wimpy-As-You-Might-Think Messiah.

Compare and Contrast

Greetings students. Today's exercise is on fundamentalism.


The following is list of the ten major identifying characteristics of Islamic fundamentalists:

1. They view Islamic religious idealism as basis for personal and communal identity;
2. They understand truth to be revealed and unified in the Q'ran;
3. They are intentionally scandalous, noting that outsiders do not understand them or their cause.
4. They envision themselves as part of a cosmic struggle for Allah (jihad);
5. They seize on historical moments and reinterpret them in light of this cosmic struggle;
6. They demonize their opposition and are reactionary;
7. They are selective in what parts of Islamic tradition and heritage they stress;
8. They are led by males and favor a male dominated society;
9. They envy modernist cultural hegemony and try to overturn the distribution of power.
10. They use militaristic language (fight for Allah, death to infidels, be soldiers of God)

Now here are the ten major characteristics of Christian fundamentalists:

1. They view Christian religious idealism as basis for personal and communal identity;
2. They understand truth to be revealed and unified in the Bible;
3. They are intentionally scandalous, noting that outsiders cannot understand them or their cause;
4. They envision themselves as part of a cosmic struggle for Jesus;
5. They seize on historical moments and reinterpret them in light of this cosmic struggle; 6. They demonize their opposition and are reactionary;
7. They are selective in what parts of the Christian tradition and heritage they stress;
8. They are led by males and favor a male dominated society;
9. They envy modernist cultural hegemony and try to overturn the distribution of power.
10. They use militaristic language (fight the enemy, make war against evil, be soldiers of Christ)

Compare and contrast.

Why Cheney Is Not President

I've been ruminating over this for some time. Given that Cheney pretty much runs the country while Dubya spends most of his time looking stupid on TV and mangling the English language, why didn't the Republicans run Cheney to begin with?

However, when you look at the qualifications, it becomes clear that Bush is in fact far more qualified than Cheney to be President. Observe:

1. Number of DWI convictions - Cheney: 2. Bush, only one.
2. Number of Military Deferrments: Cheney: 5. Ended up never serving. Bush at least served in the National Guard when he wasn't AWOL.
3. Performance at Yale - Cheney: Dropped out. Bush: squeaked through.
4. Number of people shot - Cheney: 1 Bush: None that we know of.
5. Number of heart attacks - Cheney: 4 Bush: None that we know of.
6. Number of personal conversations with Jesus: Cheney: None that we know of. Bush: Talks to Him every day.
7. Number of parents who were also president - Cheney: None. Bush: 1
8. Number of gay children: Cheney: 1 Bush: None that we know of.


So it's Bush, hands down.

Two Major Groups

I believe there are two major groups of people in
the world.





















Group A: People who are fucked up.
Group B: People who are not fucked up.


To my knowledge, there are no people in Group B.

I believe this may also be true for insects and firearms.



Discuss.